When You’re Too Lazy to Masturbate – Jessica Kirson – In the DMs

– I don’t do me anymore because I’m lazy. I hate those girls. When I die it’s your fault, so have a great life. (funky music) Oh, I’m gonna read some of these messages, and they’re crazy. Well this is one I get a lot. “Girl, you know you want it.” I don’t think I want it. Why is he telling me I know I want it, ’cause I don’t want it. I don’t want it. I haven’t had it since my
senior year of college. I don’t. I don’t want dick. “You’re not funny.” I may not be funny, but
your voice is horrific. I hate those girls. I just feel like they’ll
watch my stuff and be like, this isn’t funny, like seriously, there’s nothing funny here, like, I don’t even understand
why she’s putting this here, it’s like so stupid. You know, I normally respond, I know, I agree, I’m not funny, I have no idea why people laugh at me. And then I just tell them
I’m gonna kill myself. When I die, it’s your
fault, so have a great life. “Hi, I’m an old client of your mother’s. “You’re really funny. “Your mom is a hoot, too.” Let me explain something. The word hoot is horrific. When I see that word,
I hate you immediately. Anyway, so, “You’re a hoot, too. “She always made me laugh in sessions. “Take care, Judy.” First of all, why is my
mother making her laugh? She always made me laugh in sessions? Does my mom do stand-up? Like someone was like, I’m
having a really hard time, I just don’t know if I can go on. And then my mother’s like, “What did the waiter say to
the group of Jewish women “sitting in a restaurant? “Hello, is anything okay? (laughs) “You feel better?” “Hi, I’m a comedian myself. “I’ve been funny my whole life. “Give me a chance. “Let me show you what I can do. “Can I send you some jokes?” I just want to tell everyone out there, whoever’s watching this,
please send me jokes. Just keep, all day, all
night, 24 hours a day, send me jokes. Hopefully they’ll be so
bad that when I tell them, I’ll get killed. “I saw your post about abortion. “You should put a gun in your mouth.” I didn’t know what that meant. Like, should I just put it in my mouth or should I do something with it? Because I don’t really feel comfortable with something that’s shaped
like that in my mouth. So I didn’t put a gun in my mouth. I put a hanger in my mouth, and that felt fine. “Keep doing you.” What does that mean? First of all, I don’t do me
anymore because I’m lazy. I used to really be into masturbating, but I got older and I’m tired. I don’t. The only time I do it now is to nap, and I use a jackhammer. “How much do you perform
for a bar mitzvah?” I always reply the same way. I say, I don’t need money,
I just need a live pig so I can kill it in front of all of you right after the event ends. (funky music)

100 Replies to “When You’re Too Lazy to Masturbate – Jessica Kirson – In the DMs

  1. Unscripted comedy is not really your thing. I feel like someone over at comedy central should have told you this during the shooting.

  2. Super funny. Fuck everyone in the comment section for not recognizing true talent. Watch some of her sets, she destroys.

  3. For the people that are saying that she isn't funny : people find humor in different things, it's a matter of taste, if the type of humor she makes it's not for you go watch something else besides wasting your time saying she isn't funny

  4. GOP especially the stepfords don't get comedy in alternative reality..Or should I say vile, racist bible thumping, ignorant cult following etc..

  5. Somebody needs to get their gma. I'm guessing she's some sort of femanist or leftist since the current Commie Comedy Central has been featuring her.

  6. holy shit, not only is she not funny, but shes extremely butthurt that no one finds her complaining funny or interesting, and then says shes going to kill herself because of it. this is a sad attempt at comedy, if that even what this was

  7. You are super cringy. Please stop. For the love of God. Stop. I went from key and peele to this. Also yes. Put eat a bullet. You are bad.

  8. With her until she made some stupid voice, and even 2min in, I haven't even cracked a smile. So I'm more for the girl who called her out rather than this middle aged white woman.

  9. y'all complaining abt her…..at least she wrote a caption that brought y'all 😂😂…cos y'all was here 4 d caption.

  10. So many dumb dudes in the comments dont even know her and talk shit. Shes a classic. Naturally funny… just watch her sets

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