Bad Movie Review: Death Machines (Schlock Martial Arts film)

Welcome back to my Dark Corner of this Sick World ‘God I hate coming back here.’ Death Machines is a martial arts action film, based around Madame Lee’s academy of assassination. Whether you take the big bridge, the little bridge, or the stepping stones, there’s no easy way to cross running water in Madame Lee’s back garden during final exam week, and the winners will take their place in her crack squad; Asian Death Machine, Black Death Machine and White Death machine. Can’t help feeling he cheated ‘They will do nicely’ Madame Lee’s assassins are the best in the world; subtle, silent, ‘YAAAAAH!’ Leaving no trace they were ever there. Also aided by the fact they wear body armour and no one ever thinks to shoot them in the head. Just from this, the big problem with Death Machines should be evident. ‘All contract killings in this city are under our control’ The whole film hangs on them being the best assassins ever ‘Three of the deadliest men in the world’ and they suck out loud. ‘At least the insults are getting a little tamer’ Between them and a client who seems weirdly unfamiliar with pretty basic concepts. ‘What do you mean fell off a building?’ ‘What do you mean blown up?’ ‘What do you mean you don’t know?’ The first twenty minutes of the film are unfocussed, inept and great entertainment. ‘You call that entertainment? I’ve seen better entertainment in a zoo’ but… ‘I only have one question’ Who’s the hero? ‘If you don’t find them Forester, I will’ Who’s the heroine? ‘ Just call me Florence’ -cheesy love music- That happened quick. And yet in another sense very slowly because this is over half an hour in and I find myself torn ‘This guy’s weird’ The opening may have been vague nonsense but at least it was entertaining ‘Aaaarrrrrgh!’ ‘George!’ A film like this needs a hero, but it really isn’t improved by having one and he vanishes again almost immediately for another half hour. ‘I’ve been on my own for a long time now and everything is just okay’ Both hero and police get involved via another precision operation from the death machines. ‘And an oddly bloodless one.’ They were only hired to kill one person. ‘Knock it off, knock it off’ In the aftermath, one of the death machines is caught. ‘I had to aim at his head to bring him down’ The only smart man in the movie, and certainly the only one in the police station. ‘I’m going to uncuff you’ The carnage that follows is well-deserved, but I can’t decide if my favourite bit is the police shooting each other or the man in the background, nowhere near the action who just wanted to join in. Then it’s back to business for the death machines, convincing a CEO to resign ‘Without resorting to violence’ That really doesn’t play to their strengths, so they take a broad definition of the phrase by assaulting the man’s daughter and using the pictures to blackmail him. ‘She was not completely conscious at the time’ Well in that case, no harm, no fowl. ‘No’ What a great father, but now what can they do now? I really feel like they have resorted to violence. ‘Oh shit’ Back to the hero, who takes his girl to a bar for their first date. ‘Is it a nice bar?’ Weeeelll… And things go further downhill as he gets his ass handed to him… and his nose springs a leak. Fortunately the girl has low standards ‘Where do we go from here?’ How about we just drive around on the off chance we pass the bad guys on their way to a secret meeting. ‘It’s them!’ ‘Who?’ ‘The guys who cut off my hand.’ Well wasn’t that lucky. Summing up Death Machines isn’t easy because there isn’t a story, it’s a series of loosely related scenes, some funny… ‘Arrrrrgh!’ some boring ‘I’m the one who’s sorry for getting involved’ none coherent ‘I don’t know what’s going on’ I really don’t know what else to say, so here’s a pipe smoking assassin. Thanks for watching. Hit subscribe if you haven’t already. Death machines wouldn’t be a good film without the hero, but it would be a more entertaining one Can you think of any other films that should just give up trying and embrace their own crappiness? Let us know in the comments below.

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