My Béla fellows, I brought you a rare and funny game,
Because I became such a biiiiiiiiig gamer! Oh no, this kind of video, again? Newborn are crying because they see one like this! It’s more than you think, you bastard! Get yourself together! Your new series are very expensive And nobody cares, even techniques are fucking with you! You have to return! Never! People change by aging, And I’m really OK with this! I knew your answer! Let it begin! If a game can take your reason to live, this one will! It all began in 1972 with a bunch of Silicon Valley rebels Who quit their boring 9-to-5 engineering jobs To pursue a computer game’s dream! Teazsúr presents: “O Man, strive on, strive on, have faith; and trust!”
(Madách Imre) So, Ninja Golf sound not as good As Ninja Baseball Batman, but think of it, The word ninja makes everything sound better. The game was released for the Atari 7800, unfortunately the console Got only 59 games originally, but it was a graphically updated 2600 mostly, the 7800 can play most of the 2600 games without problem, That really incrases the software library. One strange thing that these cartridges don’t have the dust cover, And the newer 2600 games had the same cheaper plastic And the strange thing is that after the 5200 We got back to cartridges showing their back. What is this new habit of you talking bullshit about the subject? You might get surprised, but except the 2600 I’m more interested in the console than the games, With the 2600 I’m more amazed with the programming skills. So the 7800 is somehow a step backwards to the 5200 Based on the hardware of the 400/800 computer family, the sound is produced By the TIA, that does the graphics as well with the 2600 games. The CPU is the modified version of the MOS 6502, it has 4 KB RAM And 48 KB ROM for cartridges, it even has a pause button, But it’s not on the controller as the 5200 has it, So it’s again a step backwards. This console does not have color/BW switch either, So the Synthcart and Secret Quest cannot be used fully. Hey, hey, talk about the game! Inpatient asshole! Who’s the inpatient, my head just gets boiled in this T-shirt on my head! Then take it off, this is just some western shit That ninja are always in full black, Think of it, how could a rogue hide In a mass with clothes like these?! This game is not too realistic either, the game developers of the 80s Did not know much about the Far-East culture. Nobody heard about ninja.
(Part of the Documentary Movie “V4kondok – Walkthrough”) If they told you about Japanese thing we thought must be judo.
(Part of the Documentary Movie “V4kondok – Walkthrough”) These were the borders of knowledge of common people, And we were not even common people, but the kind Of mathematician. The word nunjaku I learned back then. It’s something they throw, I forgot about it, How… How… It is called… And how they use it. So we watched a lot of movies, And we thought, OK, we like the topic, but what could We do with it on the computer. But… But we felt what is the point of it And what they expect in the “falling Western” The youth, how know what a ninja is. And if they throw a little thing to the ground, They disappear in the myst and things like this. With this thing I don’t even had expectations, That our friend got a golf club. The story goes as we are at the last stage of our training To become true ninja, but for that, we have to master the nine holes. Unfortunately it’s not the Nine Holed Bridge of Hortobágy, This situation is more complex. There are 9 stages with 5 kind of terrain, The common, the swamp, the forest, the sand and the underwater. The gameplay is the same on every level, Our ninja friend goes to the ball, we set the direction with the joystick, We try to do the biggest distance, and if we have done it right, You can do to the pit in two shoots. After hitting you have to go to the ball and hit it again. A terrain types have only a few differences. Is this for real?! The ninja only walks underwater, he cannot drown, there is a little Jaws tune at the beginning, The sand gets a cliché music for deserts, but that’s all. What I really cannot understand is that after the underwater The common one is the hardest. The reason is simple, all the terrains have the same colorful Ninja-shame gangs and an animal The common has this mole-rat, throwing us with his shit, The swamp has giant frogs, in the desert there are cobra Waiting for our shurikens, in the forest birds are dropping Their wasted children in hard case to our head, In the underwater stage their are sharks swimming by. There are some powerups like the shuriken, The temporary god mode, the small and full medikit, the extra life, So it’s really not creative. The only really different place is the pit itself, You have to throw the typewriter dragon with Infinite number of shurikens from back view. Now, let’s beat the game! Done, finished, only in half hours, for the first try I became a full ninja! To be honest, Animecritic, this game was not hard at all, Or frustrating, it was It was, it was, it was, it was, it was… It was?! Boring! The stages are the same, we kick everyone, We jump over the sharks and the rat-dog and kill the dragon. The Atari 7800 was not such a stupid pong-like system Like the Atari 2600, it had more sprites for example on-screen
(Atari 7800: 100; NES: 64) That the most known console of the era, the NES,
(Atari 7800: 100; NES: 64) And programming it was easier that was it for it’s brother.
(Graphics coding like arcade machines, no racing the beam, 4KB RAM) So mostly I cannot be angry with Atari 2600 games, Because every single advanced game on that console Can be considered a programming masterpiece, But with the 7800 the gameplay without creativity or great challenge That followed the Atari games till the Jaguar, is really not enough for success. So you couldn’t be angry with Atari 2600 games? Mostly I wouldn’t So you don’t mind that I have these for you? The Kung-Fu Master and Double Dragon for the Atari 2600?! Don’t say more, one of them is a beat’em up arcade game By Irem and it was released for mostly every system of it’s age, It was called Spartan X in Japan, Double Dragon is One of the most known beat’em up series, that began as an arcade game in 1988 Made by Technos Japan, that has not just sequels, but crossovers, Marvel and manga comics, cartoons And a movie. Am I correct? In most part. You see, everyone can read wikipedia, Torture yourself a bit! Let’s start with Kung-Fu Master! Don’t think you can make me go crazy. You don’t have to expect too much, These are Atari 2600 ports, But Kung-Fu Master is not just ok with graphics But it’s really beautiful, mostly for the static part, that are just moved by scrolling. The characters are mostly similar, but okay, The movement is made as well. The music in the background won’t be interrupted by the sound effects, And it’s really great to hear. The moves of our character is made well, Up is jumping, the fire button is kicking, down is ducking, If you press the fire button with lelf or right, you punch, But if you press it with right-down or left-down, he will do duck-punch. So you have four attacks altogether. Why the hell are you laughing?! The goal of the game is to complete five levels and get to our roped girlfriend, You move upwards, on the odd levels for right to left, on even levels from left to right. The game, to increase the number of enemies, mostly use Multiplying them, mostly with the ones running To you and the fireflies… Wait… Wait a moment! Hey… I hit them! I HIT THEM!! They suck my life force and I cannot do anything, I stacked! And you did not met the boss yet! I go there and…! Hey, he takes more damage and his health bar is filled back And he even don’t take my punches mostly! I cannot believe this, and there is no excuse for this! The Atari 2600 is detecting the collision of sprites, missiles And the ball itself, and if it is already Taking my life while stacking on me, the console detected the collision, But why can’t I hurt them?! The boss is simply unfair, if you cannot get there with full health, He will beat you first, but sometimes he forget how to attack, With the same moves you do. The more beautiful case is when the throwing one stucks to you And throws 4 shits to you in 2 seconds and finishes you! Or when you are dying because the fireflies don’t care that You kicked their firefly-balls. So the odd levels of the game are really hard, Because with the limited store place of the Atari 2600 The bosses are not as different as they are in the original game. On the odd levels, besides the walking and throwing guys There are these midgets who just stuck to you Or jump over and hit your head But the boss is always this black guy, Punching down your full health. The even levels are really refreshing The second one has snakes, bombs and dragons against us, They can easily avoided with after some trials, At the and, after some common enemies the boss throws boomerangs to you, Just go next to him and hit him without thinking. On the 4th level you have fireflies and they take a huge amount of damage, Just mind the ones on the ground level, The ones above can be avoided easily. The boss throws spears to you, use the same tactic you done with the second one. And now I will just avoid every Single one, may I succeed! My punches are now perfect, I can get to the last boss without taking damage! Almost there, almost there..! Oh, Atarian, someone really misses you! Don’t care, I killed the last guy, I wo…! I give up. Do you want to know who called you? Hallo? I got a call from this number, not even for the first time.
(True story!) Oh, sorry, wrong number, I saved this with the name of My colleague, sorry I disturbed you! No problem, bye. So an old hag wasted 1,5 hours of work of you, it’s great, isn’t it? Shut up! Why don’t we erase the pain with a little Double Dragon! Hey, it’s Double Dragon, it must be great! You will see! The Double Dragon series were really popular for the NES, Where Billy and Jimmy went to beat the shit out of the takers of their girlfriend. The first game was unique, there were a versus mode Where we could beat each other with the same character. We did not expect fighting games like this that time. This mode was included in the Atari version as well, So two toilet emblem with an angler hat beats each other And that is such a pleasure after half minutes as raping The tailpipe of a moving car. You can choose if you want to go alone or take one of your friends you are tired of. Wait, share the pain! Okay, I’m tired of you, but you are not my friend. Look, even the most common enemy has the same amount of health We have!
Oh no, I really hate this They thought we can do this game without taking any damage?! There is a lot of moves in the game, you punch by default, hitting fire with down the same time Makes you kick, with up you do a jump-kick, The up-left and up-right makes you use your elbow backwards. We are done for! We can hardly get to the second screen, But the enemies are really fast, they evade and beat us to the ground! Who were the people designed this for?! The children playing video games?! The graphics are great for VCS standards, the surroundings are recognizable, The movement is made well, what I don’t understand our heroes look like The most common enemies, only the sex workers and the big heads look different, And there are some banana people, don’t know. The gameplay is limited by the Atari, there is a fight zone for top and bottom, If you play both, Jimmy and Billy cannot go to each other giving a five, But we can only fight one enemy in the same time. With a merciful fight system like this I could take three of them! The game is just too hard, We die, we die, we die! This game is nearly as shitty… As The anime we watched together. Okay, you said it! Your brain is melted into pixels, you waste your salary, The recording always have some issues. You only watched anime and critized them, but now? The beamtube of your tv is starting to get messed up, The DVD recorder turns your work into glitch-party, You got an EasyCap, but it doesn’t want to record sound And sometimes it eats the colors. Won’t it be easier To watch things and tell people they suck?! You are right, this was a really bad idea. Give me your hand and leave this primitive games, To do man’s work again! The problem was I used my mind. Primitive games… Must be played primitive! WHAT THE?! Okay, brain, turn off! Let it begin! Kung-Fu Master! Just rush and rush, only fight of you must! Fireflies just fly over my head, These things can just fall, I have plenty of time! Sometimes the boss killes me, but who cares, just sit and punch and punch,
(Don’t tell me stop, nothing steps in my way) May a little HP remain!
(Don’t tell me stop, nothing steps in my way) I never expected these little midgets just die
(Don’t tell me stop, nothing steps in my way) If you jump, they are killed by colliding!
(Don’t care of what it will result, I enjoy the pain!) Don’t care of what it will result, I enjoy the pain! If you got carried away, that’s your true self! You better hate, because to one’s love never will be free! Double Dragon! These games always have some flaws
(Let is hurt!) With the AI, may I… May I…
(Let it tear me!) Oh, look, the elbow! I never expected that!
(Let is hurt! I know I have endure the pain!) I elbow them to death!
(Let is hurt! I know I have endure the pain!) You will repeat this all the time?!
(Let is hurt!) Why, this is all you can take?!
(In Hungarian, if you are really bored of something, we say: “It comes out of his elbow”) My shitime friend, don’t use tactics,
(Let it tear me! Let it hurt!) If you have a beautiful elbow like this!
(Let it tear me! Let it hurt!) Even the big heads can’t take these elbows of steel!
(It will be never enough! I can take it!) The boobs won’t protect you from it either! Aaaand done! Done?! It’s game over, you are dead! Who cares?! You don’t have to beat every single game to become the king! Many would burn the game with the console after the first screen! But summarize, what I learned today! That you are jerking to 40 years old shit? Nooope, nope! That primitive always win to common sense! Gresham rule! But I have a weapon! This won’t praise his momma’s cooking anymore! So, don’t le anyone interrupt the review Of computer history’s important object, That was before of the cultic Commodore 64 computer For a really reasonable prise. So you could soak cocoa in the keyboard not just in school or work, But at home, so let’s do the review Every segment of the so called VIC-20 computer As an Atari expert!